Anyone who knows me knows that I am a strong advocate for women not marrying too soon, growing on her own in her 20s, and pushing a family as far back as possible.
I recently had a conversation with someone I've been kind of interested in. We started talking about dates and how people out in Provo,UT seem to prefer a first date rather than being in a dating relationship. I said that that was one of the reasons I don't date out here. First dates get boring and all this casual in the air makes me glad I hide out. I then said that another thing that bugs me is the 3 month dating to engagement thing. To my surprise, he thought that wasnt bad at all, and that some people just know and why just date when you could be married?
I went off about how marriage is scary and having a family is terrifying and you need to date for a long time to make sure you want to be with this person forever.
This is probably not the brightest move of mine
Because Im sure it was a huge turnoff. But I can't help how I feel.
Then, I started to wonder why do I feel this way? Why am I so against being a mother and wife? Why am I fighting my destiny as a woman?
Someone asked me today what I wanted to do with my life. I told them the different things I had going on , but none of them involved dating someone or wanting a family.
I always felt I would change my attitude once
I fell in love with someone, but is my negative attitude about dating and a family driving potentials away?
I turned to an LDS general conference talk for comfort and found Elder Cristofferson(sp) talk from Oct 2013. He qouted someone and I realized that the type of woman that they were talking about was not me pretty much at all. Here is the qoute: "The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."
If anything, Im a detriment to the noble birthright of womanhood. Im rude, not refined, kind to the elderly and people younger than me ..but not my peers, definitely vain, definitely not refined, and I definitely care more about popularity then purity.
Who would want that person to be the mother of their children?
Maybe that is why I am so against it. I just cant picture myself at this time in a motherhood role.
I am ready to have someone by my side who i ca n grow with and be a better me with. But who wants to grow with someone with an attitude like that?
How much is my current attitude being a detriment to my future? I'd say a lot if it drives people I could see myself with away.
I
Maybe I'm missing the purpose of my life at this time. I believe in following what God desires for you. I just fear that I being so negative He cant get through to me about what direction and purpose my life should be going in. It makes me sad.
UPDATE
8/15/14
OK so I was still in baby and marriage hungry land when I wrote this. I am no longer feeling this way and all those natural womanly feelings of babies and marriage I'm sure willcome to me someday. JJust not anytime soon.
