I wonder

I wonder where people's passion comes from.  Passion for a talent, passion for a hobby, passion for work, passion for...almost anything that consumes them.  And I wonder....where does my passion lie?

Someone asked me if I could do anything in this world, what would I do?  He was mostly referring to an occupation...but it made me think.  Actually, I didn't even have an answer for him.  Which made me face a question I really do not have an answer for.  What am I passionate about?  Nothing comes to mind.  And that scares me.

What am I doing with my life?  I recently graduated, but those 5 years were not fun at all for me.  I barely got by on a degree I hated. 

Where do people find continual passion?  I can have passion for something for maybe 2 weeks.  And then I'm over it.  I would love to have been passionate about a sport, but I didn't even take any classes in college to help me learn since I did not go to high school.  I was too focused on just getting it over with.  What kind of an attitude is that?

Where do people find purpose in life?  Besides through religion.  I am almost 25.  I should be feeling the most free in my life but I feel so trapped.  Trapped in Provo. Trapped in work. Trapped in every day life.  Trapped in a cloudy mindset.  Trapped,  not knowing what I want to do.  Where I want to go.  Thinking I need to be here, but I feel like a grey painting.  Always the same people, every year.  Always the same dating hogwash.  Same chain restaurants.  Same holier attitude.  Same things to do.  Same idiot boys who just want some. 

I thought I had a feeling to stay here.  I thought that is what God prompted me to do.  But I feel miserable.  I work all the time, yet I am broke.  I suck at handling money.  And the one job that can give me money I can't even start because I can't pass a test.  And now I have no motivation.

I sometimes envy people who aren't Mormon.  I feel they can live their lives and if they are good people, they are content.  I feel sometimes I need to consult with God for everything I do.  And I am afraid to go out of the box because what if its not right?  God is supposed to know what is the best for you.  And you can't see into the future as to what will make you the most happy.  So you should trust in Him, right? 

I always rag on Provo, but really-I don't have the guts to move. 

So much for gutsy.  So much for passion. 

If I move, will these feelings follow me?  Or is a change of scenery my best option?  Is it right? 

Is this a normal, post graduation feeling?

What am I doing?  Where is my passion?  Where can I go?  Where should I go?  Does it matter?  Can I make a difference here?  Do I want to make a difference anywhere?  Can I trust God?  If I leave, will it be a big mistake?  Or the greatest thing that will happen to me?

Where do I go? What am I to do?  What is right for me?  Where can I find passion in my life? 

I DO NOT KNOW.